Forgiving The Insecure and Fearful
Just as I and my classmate entered the conference room where our professor hold her small classes, our professor told us that the class really waited for us because somebody said that I, particularly blurting out my name, did not understand the requirement. There is a need to wait for us before the re-explanation of the requirement because I said I did not understand. I was actually gaping as I listened to it while putting down my bag and pulling out a chair to sit. What??? I know I never said such words to anyone. Even to me. I never said that I do not understand because I DO. Really there’s an urge to swear.
So, who is using my blessed name to cover up her own frailties? There is no man in our class, that’s why. Compassionate Lord, please tone down my temper, I silently prayed. Then the re-explanation by my professor was done. Still, my mind’s flying in the atmosphere trying to look for a logical sense in what I heard a while ago. Nonsense, I am not an oracle. But, we humans or because I belong to the sex of women, have the so called intuition. I have a hunch. I can feel it. And I remember a former colleague warning me about his present colleague’s greasing her way to the authority by bad-mouthing him. In one of my bus-rides towards CDO, I chanced to sit beside this male doctor in language. For the next two hours of bus mobility, we exchanged life and work updates. One of the topics mentioned was about the common women we now know. Whoa, my mind’s telling me, is this now one of those antics of hers? My stomach churns I want to vomit. How low can she be. Lo and behold, I can feel a bigger part of my brain saying just to let it slide and release understanding instead.
True enough, my wild beast side retreated in the recesses of my being. Wow. Had this been in my 20s and 30s, this would have been a riot. I am fearless when angered. I do not care who am I confronting. What was important to me is to ventilate my rightful wrath. To stand my ground. To not allow anyone step on my toes. I remember asking a cashier at a RTW store for scissors because I will cut to pieces the branded pants (Forenza) I already paid and another staff of the store assured me earlier that I can change size but ended up being told by the cashier that I can not change items. I’ve been looking for another size for an hour and a half and there’s no store plastered policy of no exchange. I was literally boiling that I did not mind the people lining up behind me at the counter. I demand for scissors! Then the manager approached my fiance (they know each other) and told him to pacify me while she assess the situation. I went down the store, Sureway, banging their door and walls. Then before my anger subsided I wrote and reported the whole incident to the main store office in Cebu. The following week I got a call from Cebu as they need to verify my letter. Then my fiance (now my husband as he never backed out despite seeing my bitchy side) went back to the store to claim new pants (for him already) and a poloshirt. Two items for one, sort of pacification consuelo de bobo for an unhappy customer.
That was what I’ve been. But, now I am learning to curb my beast mode. And instead, I am telling myself to forgive the fearful. This is about projection. So, okay, let me forgive. And, I like the wisdom of forgiveness in this way. “I forgive for my peace.”